i used to always wish i could be the girl with the boyfriend holding her and kissing her hand while they did something regular like wait on line fer somethin. and now i am. <3


we woke up at 4:45 the other morning. fuck. i had to get home. i was cell-less at the time- i didnt want my mother to worry. we stumbled a little, half conscious, and put our clothes on maybe backwards. we parked his car infront of a small party the night before. we said we were "going to get food." (in that case, it was the most beautiful meal of my life<3)as we approached the host house, i said i liked sleeping next to him. he let his head drop back a little in the passenger seat and said, sounding happy/relived, "i love it when you sleep next to me, baby."

hellOOoOo~~*


uh so today i started @ h&m and i rly like it:] the ppl there are rly nice and tmrw i hope to do an even better job. i think they like meeeee<3 heheahhahAHRHAHAH


i went to the beach with some pals the other day... uh, yestreday. or maybe yesterday. sometimes im just too lazy to hit delete. actually, im always too lazy to hit delete lol anywaysssszzz. april shared some oreos and i loved it and jare wore her glasses and i loved that too and nickle threw me in the ocean and i loved that as well. getting killed in the sand was the best feeling ever. honestly.


my life is/was so.....serious. like, i am rather fun. i mean i dont mean to toot my own horn but beep beep cause i like being around myself most of the time. but my life has always been so constricting. i feel like right now i have about 5 years of youth to make up for. if i wasnt makin my own dollars, i was workin' to make em for some one else. and all the years that yr supposed to have fun...like ya know .. highschool years... i spent them half in love and half insane. i think about the time i spent in behavioral health and im like wow.. who the fuck wassss that child. i remember what got me there. and i remmeber why i did what i did. i did what i did becuase it was the only way out. it was the only way i could freak out. and i just needed to. kids/teenagers and stress are a shitty shitty combo. when i have kids, i swear to god they are never going to feel like they HAVE to work. i never want my kids to have to pay for groceries or bills. at least not before theyre 18. cause it sucks. i personally know that it sucks.


well... yeah. so this dude... nickle... is 100% out of his mind. and i love it.


and we hang out with this kid jared that ppl call bear but i already know a bear so i call him jare and hes fun and awesome and knows people who can do the lighting for my pictures hahha kill me<3


im not 100% sure im going to do it. im 100% sure that i WANT to do it.... but like... ahhhhh its a lot to consider. its also 100% flattering might i add. lol


will is hanging out with kat tmrw YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! i likewill. he's def. changed since last year. good good good.


will told me to throw up on his balls the other day and it was the funniest thing ive heard in a while.


i was looking through my old entries and i found the one of this one night i spent with joe. we were kissing....and he giggled a little...so soft and so presciously. and i was liek waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat and he whispered... this song is really gay. and my heart melted. what do you do with that. hahaha i smile whenever i think of that night... i dont know why.


oh god help me why cant i find a decent guy. that i like. the one person i want to be with... i cant be with... awesome.


rated x is now 21+. who wants to punch someone in the face? i do. thank goddddddddddddddddddddddddd my nigga dj n/a is gonna hook up the fake id's . i love danspag!!i wish cyn would like him back~~*


okay well im gonna go watch dear wendy now.


i love you, i love you.

its 3 and im stillin bed awesome.


last night i was leaving wills house and was driving towards sunrise when i just completely died crying. i had to turn around and park someplace. and i just held onto my steering wheel and cried really hard and decided it could only be fixed with black coffee. so i called will who i left with nickle and jare and we hung out for a lil bit while i drank coffee @ amjad's.


i have nothing. physically, i have plenty. rather, the potential to have plenty. my family may not be rollin' ... but we get by, man. and i work enough to get what i need all the time ya know? but of courseits true that mone cant buy happiness, man.


theres no love in my life. and its shitty becuase i have so much love to give. and im scared to give it.

my life is pretty fresh right now becuase:


1.) I QUIT THE CAFE!! PEACE OUT BELLPORT! and everything that was tying me down!


2.) I got a job @ H&M~~~~


3.)I got accepted for this modelling thing i rlly wanted. and im 99% sure its cause mah skin is brownnnnnn hahahah. peircings and tattoos were pretty much required lol


4.)ive been hanging out with some really good kids lately. xo LINDY&westbab


5.)J$ got a car & a job and peaced out of john jay and the raps is in love & graduated. knowing my friends lives are sweet right now too, esp the two girls i care about so so so so so much, is enough to make me say uuuuuuh (uuuh) na na na na( na na na na ) [please tell me someone remembers that song...]


6.) the quiet things that no one ever knows<3 the things that kill me are the very things i live for.






and now i gotta go carlton banks HSBC cause theyre dumb mother fuckers and like to take a buck and a half out erry time i check my bal @ sevs. FUCK YOU I HOPE YOU DIE RIGHT AFTER I CLOSE MY ACCOUNT NIGGAAAAAAAS TAKE YAH DAMN DEBIT CARD BACK TOO. ya bitch.

i do it to myself.
all of the time
when the fuck am i going to learn.








so in efforts to cheer myself up, i made a digital pet. wow. im nineteen years old....

woke up today @ 6:30... got break w. the raps @ 8:30 and played by the water & got some shells and stuff. and thennnn we malled it and now im home, shes @ work, and drop dead fred is on. im siiiiiiked on our stuff we're making for this summer. its cute. its funny. its OURS and we want it to be YOURS.


i think you are fabulous.


how about some pub. friend shout outs cause im just here chillin waiting for jon to call me back.


JOANNA. hi! im siked yr home. we r gunna be chillinnn oouutttttt;) yay fun!


tinakatrina. thats not yr name. maybe it should be. youuuuuuuuuu i haent spoken to you in a hile and i hope yr enjoying graduation. its the best time ever. i dont know if you guys had prom yettt buuuuuuut if you did i hope you had a blast if you didnt i hope you have a blast and i wanna see pictures.<3


katieeeeeee.i hope yr enjoying the beginnign of summer!!!!! go to the beach withcur pup :) i hope you are happy <3




i hope you are all happy.
:)
NO MATTER WHAT,.

and just remember you got a lot of heart.
and a lot of balls.

soooo im rly nerv.
i have to tell my boss @ the cafe that i dont want to work there.
well, as much.
ideally, id like to work 3 days there.
yeah, i know.
rather, ideally i want to quit there.
but i know i cant exactly, so i figure 3 days is right.
ill most likely be only able to get away with 4 days.

i just want to have my time back, man.
i just want some time.
rather, as i just said- i want MY time.

theres like 7million things i want to do this summer.
7 million things i NEED to do this summer.
and ill be damned if i dont.

i just got done wtching a rather sad movie.

so my life recently has consisted of fabulous beginings.
and not so fabulous endings.

i love you.